Wow, it’s been since March. A lot has happened in that 9 months span of time.
For starters I no longer work at AT&T. Thank the fucking lerd. Every single day I worked there I wanted to blow my brains out. I drove up there on October 2nd to put in my two weeks but was forced to resign on the spot as to not be terminated. When leaving my area manager commented on how good of a representative I had been for the past 5 years. Damn fucking straight I was good. I was the best and those people (being customers not ATT) treated me like an old piece of bubble gum that had been spit out on concrete and accidentally stepped on. The forcing of resignation? Here’s what happened: I had used all of my absence “points” up when I was on Wilburs team (and all my vacation time as well because I couldn’t stand the stupid bitches on her team) and was not going to use FMLA to go to an interview (because that would have been illegal and dishonest) at the urgent care facility I work at now, so I took a personal hit. I knew I already had the job but I didn’t figure they’d file for term so fast. Go figure. Generally it takes them approx 2 weeks or so to even realize you’ve had an absence. I suppose they were watching me like fucking hawks though since I literally had no worked 7 consecutive days since June 14th.
Why hadn’t I worked 7 consecutive days? I was bat shit crazy. My room mates daughter had her best friend over and it kind of pinged a deep loneliness I had inside me. I was just pathetic and not medicated. I went to sleep and then woke up with the urge to kill myself. I went to work and was thinking *I’m going to work and then I’m going to go home and…* I generally believe in choosing life if you’re already alive so I was like I need to bounce and see a doctor right. fucking. now. I went to the doctor and asked to be put back on Zoloft. I was honest in letting Dr. Mercer know that the only problem I have with Zoloft is that it stops working at about 4 PM if I take it on the schedule I had been. Instead of upping the dosage she wanted me to try Lexapro. WORST. MISTAKE. EVER. I was literally psychotic the entire month of July going into August. I had a mental breakdown in the parking lot of an elementary school. Thank goodness it was summer time. Sheesh. Looking back on it… I knew something was wrong but I had the mind set of well I know mental shit takes like 4-6 weeks to make you better so maybe I haven’t given it enough time. Maybe tomorrow I won’t feel like this. I never stopped feeling psychotic, alone, and suicidal until my room mate had a come to Jesus meeting with me and finally got me to stop taking that medication. I’m not saying that Lexapro is bad, just it affected me in a way that was dangerous. Because I was under the impression that my medications were working and that I just needed more time I didn’t make an appointment to see the doctor to change my meds. I didn’t think anything was wrong. After I had seen the light…or rather was forced to see it *thank goodness for that* I made a doctors appointment the first week of August. This entire time I was on FMLA which eventually caused problems because even though I had a balance of 1250 hours I was out for more than 7 consecutive days which would classify as short term disability which I would be denied. So I went to the doctor in August and had my medications changed to 100 mg of Zoloft 2X a day. Coincidentally, that office visit I also came down with flu like symptoms as well as a sore throat. The nurse (that I later found out lost her license due to stealing drugs in the 90s but was now clean and was appealing to regain it) looked at my mouth hole and decided that it was probably mono. She also told me they were still going to have to take blood to find out but she’d seen this a million times. Ok-cool. Nurse Heidi then gave me a shot of something and I was prescribed a Z pack. Well, as it turns out I am DEADLY allergic to Z packs and kind of allergic to acetaminophen which was apart of the shot she gave me. Together they created an A bomb of suck ass anaphylaxis. My throat was closing and I had to be hospitalized. The best though, was yet to come. I started to develop ulceration as well as boils on the inside of my mouth hole and nose. I could not eat, nor could I talk until I was hopped up on morphine and magic mouth wash. Even then I still could not eat, just talk. It was by far the most painful thing I’ve ever had happen to me. When they checked me out of the hospital( Dr. James at Midwest regional) prescribed me some mouthwash that did not have a numbing agent in it but was salty and painful. It actually ended up searing the insides of my face and causing nerve damage. Thanks fuck face, now I can’t taste things properly. I had to go back to the emergency room because I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die. They hooked me up with magic mouth wash and some painkiller and sent me on my way.( I later found out that there was drama behind my prescribed narcotics because I didn’t share them with people in my house hold. Uh- I needed them. )I couldn’t talk of really eat until September. The month of September I just didn’t feel like going to work. I hated going. It gave me anxiety. So, I just didn’t go. I mean it’s that simple. I used that entire month to just chill out. I also had second degree sunburn which took me out for 2 weeks somewhere in there.
I’m happier now I guess. I don’t have panic attacks every morning and I enjoy my job-some what. I work with a bunch of clique-y girls and I don’t have time to spend on figuring out how to become part of the group. I do like a lot of them though. Just certain ones that have “white girl problems”.
I did get complained about already. Apparently I smell bad. I, and others that are around me, can tell you without a shadow of a doubt I do not smell bad. In fact, one of the nurses walked by me on Friday and straight stank of needing to freshen up downtown. I just feel like it’s being blamed on me because I’m newer. It did make me paranoid though, so I spent over 100$ changing my scents up. I bought new antibacterial deodorant soap after doing research on the internet on how to not smell bad. I know that is ridiculous, but I did. I purchased a new scent for my deodorant, body spray, and lotions. Even though my hair is hella destroyed I’ve been washing it every nigh due to paranoia that scent is getting trapped in my hair. As a result, my hair is falling out and feels like wet Barbie hair crossed with hay. When I was talked to about smelling bad my manager asked me if I would go home and shower and come back. No, I’m not kidding. I only had an hour left so she let me go for the rest of my shift. When I came home I had my room mate smell me. I had two people at work smell me. I don’t stink and have no idea what the fuck they were talking about. I wonder if it was when I had the flu and was loaded with Mucinex. That shit comes out of your pores. I just wish they understood how things like this affect someone like me. You say “Oh your perfume smells bad” I will shower for 6 hours until I am burned and blistered just to get the smell off my body…
Oh! We’re on like a day to day basis waiting for my sister from another mister to have her baby. Still no baby.
So that’s pretty much what’s up with me as of right now. I’m going to participate in the 3rd Friendsgiving on Sunday. Now that I’m in a better place and have an awesome schedule I’m going to honestly try and make it a priority to get this thing started up again. I didn’t proof read it. Sorry for typos-ect and if it bothers you that much go fuck yourself.